lotto dreams

So when I win the lottery tonight- all 184 million dollars of course- I need to have a plan.
I want to give.
I want to put together a place where veterans have a roof over their heads, therapy and training and support,
I want to fund the teens going to Ireland and Costa Rica and Mexico.
I want to be a blessing. Random things just appear to those who need it. A Jack in the Box ministry.
I want a tea house. A place that can be whimsy and fun and a private party venue that's classy but not stuffy. I want the Girl Scouts to be able to meet there and the red hat society ladies and bridge club.

I'd like a house of my own. A newer car. Financial freedom
I want not to want. I want not to Feel trapped and desperate.
I would like to feel free and in charge.

Just some days.

Another night where I did something wrong...another day I wasn't good enough. One more time I'm lacking. Not sure what, but holy hell, I feel like a piece of shit. I could go over every tiny minute detail....
And obsess over where I misstepped or what I said wrong. What I didn't do. What a failure I am. Bad wife. Bad mother. Bad person, selfish person. Lazy person. Drama person.

That just hurts. It burns my heart. I try so hard. It hurts to feel.
 I want to feel nothing. I want to just cease.
I am so hurt and can't seem to do good. My heart just aches and hurts. So damn tired. So damn tired.

Great day at work. Good afternoon with the children. Fun and simple dinner with kids. Nice last minute invite to book club with friends from church. Good things. Good things good things positive and happy things. Things and times and people worth living for. Keep on living. Keep on. You can do this. Just keep on. Shake it off. Hold it in.
These days aren't every day. Just some days. The days I'm not good enough.